Redeeming Daddy's Little Girl...

Tonight I received the following word during praise and worship and strongly felt it was for me to share... Even tho the beginning is directed toward daughters of God, most of it can apply to both sons and daughters..



Redeeming Father God.
To the daughters who can't hear Father, Dad or Daddy without seeing a bedroom, or the feeling of a fist across the face..
God the Father is a Father of Love.
not a father of abuse.
Even when your father puts you down and tears you pieces with his words, instead of building you up.
Words that make you feel dirty instead of the beauty that you are.
Abba God is nothing like your earthly father.
God loves you with an everlasting love!
God is a God who hurts when you hurt, and cries when you cry.
Who formed even your most inward parts, He knew and loved you before you were in your mother's whomb.
He even wrote all of your days in His book, before there was even one.
A Father who wants to protect you, not to expose you, or leave you out in the open.
To clothe you and to protect you, not strip you and leave you out in the open.
God wants to redefine your definitions..
God who corrects to help, not to humiliate.
You are set apart and holy.
Beautiful without any blemishes.
His desire is to protect your idols and false help, to speak kindly to you.
The same power that rose Jesus from the grave, lives in you.
You are an overcomer, and called to overcome the world.

Please listen to
All man are broken---Misty Edward


Zerubbabel by Rick Pino


Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.

Psalm 139
139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You [c]scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Romans 8:15-17
15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him

Song of Solomon 4:7
"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you.


Hosea 2:14
14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.

1 John 5:4
For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

Learning about grief without shutting down...

....

As someone who has spent most of her life shut down to emotions. There are times I have to learn how to deal with situations where I would have shut down emotionally and "everything think was fine" "a ok, no problem at all"... But that's not the case anymore.

On top of that, I haven't dealt with death of someone I knew before.. I have a grandparent that passed away not too long ago and I still haven't really acknowledged it yet.. I know it in my head, but that's as far as it goes.
And I won't forget the rainy Monday in January that I found out that Brandon had passed away. The undeniable numbness I felt, the certainty that I had misread the post. That it wasn't possible, I mean I knew for sure, I mean just KNEW that he was going to be healed this side of eternity.. I mean God had done it before, why not now. And if anyone --deserved-- to be healed, it was Brandon. And I still fight back tears when I think of his wife Lindsay and their young son. As well as his family and friends.. So many people were touched by Brandon and even now after he's not here anymore, I know his story and legacy are still touching lives..
But honestly I felt I didn't have the right to grieve Brandon. Even tho he had a special and rather strategic place in my heart and life... So after the first few days I didn't let myself do more than the occasional tear.. Enter major funk in life.. But I then just shut down toward that area of my heart. Pretty easy to do where I'm surrounded by people who had no idea who Brandon was. But even that didn't help fully. I found myself being short with people and pulling into my own shell. Only a few people knowing what had happened... Eventually I had it all safely tucked away inside myself. Not restraining urges to lash out anyone who brought up topics such as "God Takes Away" or "He is in Control etc" and don't you dare mention cancer...

When I find out via Facebook that a family very very dear to my heart were facing a very very tragic situation.
My heart dropped and I can't even describe the numbness that over came me. Not just the loss of such a precious sweet girl, but of of the suddenness as well as finality of it all.. No good byes for her family or the rest of us. No warning. Just gone. It was as if my brain couldn't compute what was happening.
Next thing I know, All of it come to the surface, every oppressed emotion. Every held back tear, the anger... and so so much confusion.. But mostly angry...

........



The above post was written almost a year ago.. As a way of "dealing" with grief. Sometimes you just need to write it out... or so the saying goes..
As you can see, I wasn't able to finish what I was writing. The emotion was too real, too strong and I just had to stop. Overwhelmed... And still feeling unjustified in my grief. Over the last year since finding out about Brandon, and thanks to a dear friend. I have come to feel "justified" in how I feel, felt and even in the process that both situations took.. Both very different, yet eerily the same.. Why is that? I don't know, but one thing I am slowly learning. No grief process is the same. From person to person, death to death, moment to moment, day to day, and so on...
I don't have to prove worthiness to grieve. These people were in my life, meant something to me and they aren't here anymore. That alone is reason enough. I can even grief for those closer to them than me... Maybe for you this is obvious and maybe even silly. But for me I felt I had no right. I know ultimately it was because I didn't want to unintentionally hurt a family member or close friend, I'm learning with more reality than ever before, sometimes there is no answer. None that we fully understand. And that's okay. It's okay, to cry because you miss someone and it's ok to laugh when you think of those fun times. Although it's frustrating most of the time, it also helps to know I won't have the answers. That I can just hold onto the fact that I have a loving Father, who cares. He cares for me and He cares for all His children. That He is an anchor in the tough times..
My God doesn't "take away" , or punish us with sickness or grief.. And Sickness and tragedy is not from my God!
I've learned another lesson in be careful what you say. The tongue truly is a powerful weapon. How are you using that sword? a Half thought out reply, cuts deeper than I ever thought it would.. I still Miss Brandon, Maggie and my Nana. But that's ok, God doesn't hold it against me, or think I'm back sliding or losing ground. From time to time, I even see them in my dreams and am often reminded of the times I shared with them. Things said and laughs had. I'll see Brandon sitting with foot on his knee, coffee in his hand. And Maggie Spinning and twirling... I know one day I will see them again. More and more that becomes a comfort and sometimes it makes me mad. But through it all, I am beyond grateful for loving Father. My Abba! Who has been right here. Not afraid or upset by my anger or confusion.. It's not over, but He will be with me the whole way. And He will be with the families and friends.. And that is the most important lesson..

I don't know if this was just for me, or if someone needed to read this. But I pray you feel the Peace that surpasses ALL UNDERSTANDING where ever you may be. And a love that is deeper and wider than any ocean..


-AC

If you wait until you're "ready" you may never be ready....

I don't have any children of my own. However I have worked with kids and in childcare most of my life. As well as spent lots of time over the years with Mommas.. And one thing I heard more than I've heard other tid bits..
and it goes something like this, "If I had waited to have children until I was fully prepared, I would have never had children." or "If we had waited until were ready we'd still be waiting." and at first it seamed rather obvious to me,and I didn't think much on the subject until much later on. Especially when I heard parents talking about how having children was nothing like what they expected. So even when they felt they were "ready" or "prepared" the result was nothing like they had assumed..
The same concept can be applied to many other things in life. Especially in ministry.
I often find myself saying, "well, one day I think He wants me to do ________, but I'm not "ready" yet" or "I'm not who I need to be, I need to be better "prepared" Sound familiar?
Yet, we sing these songs and pray these prays and even post the quotes, about Not my will but Yours. Where You go, I go. What You say I say... or even talk about stepping out in faith. When we don't see a way, but believe He is there. And in those moments we believe it whole heartedly, we can feel it, and in some ways almost taste the goal...
Tonight as I found myself beginning to panic over the idea of leading a group of intercessors. this kept running through my mind. Over and over and over again. It's time to stop just singing about stepping out in faith but talking about not having the qualifications. It's about believing that He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called! and if I feel or better yet, know He called me to do this, then He will qualify me. That if He brought me to the edge of this cliff and is telling my to step out. There will be a path open before me or a parachute to slow my fall, HE WILL BE BESIDE ME!No matter how much I would rather have the confidence before the step. It's time to walk it out even when I don't feel ready at all or even slightly prepared. It's trusting that He didn't lead me to this place to leave me hanging. Believing that if I know this is what He has called me to do, I have what I need to bring it about. Even tho it looks completely different than I thought, or nothing at all how I had imagined. . . The main thing to focus on.. the main motivation... Did He say go? and did He say now? .. He will supply all my needs, and that applies to all situations in my life. So once again, it's not about feeling ready or prepared. It's about did He say to go and did He said the time was now... and the rest will come. It doesn't have to look like anyone else.. And I don't have to be like anyone else. Because He didn't call them to this task, He called me. And who knows me better than the one who created me... And since my God isn't a God who says one thing to one person and a different thing to another. This applies as much yo you as it does to me. So don't let your lack of readiness hold you back.. He prepared you before you even knew this was coming. You can do all things through Him who strengthens you. Don't back down or give in. He has given you this assignment for such a time as this. And you are fully prepared. No matter how it may look on the outside or compared to anything else. Follow where He leads. Don't let yourself over complicate it all. Be encouraged, you're not alone and you've completely got this. It's amazing what will happen when you step out in faith and set everything else to the side.

2Corinthians 5:7
for we walk by faith, not by sight

Matthew 17:20
And He *said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you

Mark 4:40
And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

1Corinthians 1:9
God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord

I love it, but I Just Can't Pull it Off. Part Two: Dancing

While we're on the subject of things we don't do strictly because people say we can't or we tell ourselves we can't. I feel a nudge to talk about my love of dance. Something I don't advertise openly and would be completely fine if people didn't know. Now my definition of dance and your definition of dance may be different and I'm not here to debate the topic.

I'm not sure I can put into words what dancing is to me. It releases something in a big way. Similar to how taking pictures of God's creations does. Anything from jumping and twirling around with the little girls I nanny to, partner dancing, or a coordinated dance. I was on a church worship dance team for almost a year. It was both extremely hard and freeing at the same time. But more about that later.
My favorite times dancing are by far the times when a few friends and I put some worship music on before a intersession meeting and just danced. Anything went, from one person ball room dancing, running around with streamers, leaps, leaps and more leaps, spins and twirls... Just worshiping our Abba and allowing ourselves to be little girls.
It wasn't about form or getting it just right. It's about just flowing with his presence and being a Daughter. Sometimes that same feeling comes to me when I'm doing a coordinated dance or even when I'm dancing with a partner. Partner dancing really gives me a tangible example of trust. I just love when God shows me something right there in a personal way that applies to so many things. When I was much younger (not that I'm old or anything.) I would choreograph dances with my friend.

She went to one of the local dance studios. We had so much fun creating dances and showing them off to our parents. For the most part it was just fun. Yes, we worked to make sure our lines were the same or our timing was right, but there wasn't pressure.
To clarify, the dancing I'm mainly talking about is worship dance, or freestyle. Honestly, I don't know what category it falls in. But it's the type of dancing I do for me, and for my Abba. I know there is a time for practicing and practicing a dance so it's perfect and there are no "mistakes" but that's not the type of dancing I'm talking about. However the more of that dancing I've experienced the more of it I see flowing out in my own dances. Which was a big reason I started dancing with a team. To learn and perfect my dance. The reason behind this post isn't debate the legitimacy of dancing, but to encourage you. Just dance, allow yourself to be child like in your worship. There are times, just "dancing it out" has truly helped me to relax, let go, and just be.. When you don't focus so much on what you're doing but just letting things flow, there are times you trip and maybe do the same thing over and over... But like the Christian walk, there is no set perfect.
We were created unique to the different facets of the Father. You may pray differently than I do, or encourage someone differently than I do. Does that make me wrong in my way of doing something? Now, I know just how hard it can be to really let that truth sink in. I feel it is one of the big things the enemy uses to hold us back, shut us up or back us down. You're not like them, so you must be wrong. Or the other way around. We weren't created to be clones. This way of thinking is adopted from our worldly home. I find it sneaking up all the time and truly desire to see people and myself how my Father sees us! For me this is a big reason I don't worship as I know I was created to worship.

But Abba is so understanding and loving, He's walking with me in this and helping me. So I know the difference between freedom to do something around others and when I'm trying to be seen. This applies to more than just dancing. Worship as a whole and what we allow ourselves to flow in. I need to be at a place where I am free to worship however the Spirit is moving within me at that time. Weather that be dancing or lifting my hands. Once again it goes back to being who God created you to be.. When you truly open yourself to hearing the truth behind your beliefs and reasons. Allow yourself to flow in His presence in newer ways than before. Don't let your fleshly eyes tear you apart, but let your spiritual eyes show you what your heavenly Father sees.. One of His children just dancing in His presence. I pray you find more freedom in your worship and that it opens up doors for you and those around you..
Dance on my friends! Dance on!

-AC


Now that you've heard from me, I thought I'd show you some scriptures about dance that I love.. Some I never wold have thought of as dance scriptures before my own view on dancing was changed..

Genesis 1:1-2 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters.
How cool is that? Right in the beginning.

John 4:23 But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers.

Mark 12:30 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’

"I Love that, but I just can't pull it off."

Have you ever said to yourself or someone else, "Oh I love _____ I'm just not good at it." or "I love that _____ (article of clothing) but I can't pull it off."
Have you ever stopped to think, why you believe it's not your style, you can't pull it off or you're just not good enough? A friend several years ago gave me a new perspective on the whole style aspect of this question. I really liked Converses and beanies, but felt the were too "cool" for "someone like me" to wear, "I couldn't pull that off." I was comparing myself to her and how well she wore them. She told me something, I wasn't expecting. I can pull them off because I know I can pull them off. If I didn't think I could it wouldn't look right." This way of thinking made me think.. why do I think I can't pull it off. Honestly it went back to insecurities as far back as I could remember. Being picked on as a kid and just not being confident in me and my own individuality. When I thought about it, I was reminded of two friends of mine who were close friends, but had completely different clothing styles. If one liked something the other hated it. But beside friendly teasing there was no abuse or mockery. I also began to notice more and more people that had their own clothing identity, not something I would wear or do, but in it's own way it worked.
Now there are times when you need that friend to tell you, that color just isn't getting along with our skin tone or you're giving away too many of your secrets if you get what I mean. But that's not what I'm talking about.
Another thing that came to my attention was a rule I had adopted that you could only be one type of style. (ie, grungy, dressy, preppy, southern, hippie, etc) But why? God didn't create us all to be the exact same? No one has the exact same view on everything, so why do we apply that to our clothes, style, decor, or anything really.
I felt I could either be put together Allison who loved to dress up or tom boy Allison who hates getting "dolled up"... But again, why do I think that? what made that the rule? Once again two women helped me see that you don't have to be one or the other. I can be just as much ME in a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie as I am in a dress, heals and pearls. It may not sound like much to you, but as I have unraveled more and more layers of this in my own life, I feel free-er and more ME. Something I would have never thought I'd be... I had myself cramped in a box, because I felt that was what I was created to be. "Why would I like something, want to do something if God hadn't placed that desire in me first.."
What happened next you might ask? Well, I bought myself some converse shoes and worse them all the time. Never once did I hear a negative comment and actually have heard a few, "I wish I could pull them off like you do." So I do my best to remember this..
My converses are still a reminder of this revelation and now years later I'm still doing things that rock my own former opinions on who I could be and what I could wear... I have since done things such as, wear skirt/dresses, leggings with long tops, chopped off over two feet of hair and then later chopped it again to a pixie style, my hair has purple in it, I have a bit of a crochet hat collection and recently I have been gradually allowing pink back into my wardrobe just to name a few.. This posy may not mean anything to you, or may even be silly. But to a girl who felt she could only be one thing, dull and boring, it was a major break through and there are still times I have to remind myself.
I believe that God placed in me this love of color and things that are different and I'm enjoying the freedom of being able to go with one thing or the other.
Especially recently there are still times I feel out of place in the arena but I'm always comforted by the still soft voice.. And if I don't like it, just take it off or do something different next time. Most things can be changed simply. Experiment, have fun... ENJOY. He created us to enjoy. There's no limit or definition as to what that has to be.
Nothing is too minor an accomplishment. I challenge you to try, do, or wear something that you've told yourself you couldn't. Even if it's just in your room or somewhere no one can see you. It's about you, not everyone else.. Here's to you being the you, Abba created inside you!!! Let him or her out and see what happens!

Happy Saturday
-AC

To Try to Fly or Hold Back with Fear?

I couldn't even tell you how many times I've heard a word, read something or had God speak to me and I have felt this strong "You need to write and share that." But as you can see it has been months since something of that nature has happened.
So far in my life I haven't had a great grasp on things such as writing flow or rules of grammar. I don't have to apologize or make excuses for my lack in this area. However it has become a major stumbling block. I have allowed this to effect my written word, and ability to share things longer than a sentence or two. I know for a lot of people things of this nature can be a distraction, or a turn off. But I pray that you would be able to hear the heart behind the words I write in this blog. Weather they're from my heart or from the heart of the Father. A song that He laid on my heart or what ever it may be. I pray that even if what I say is strait from my fleshy nature, that God would filter it as you read it and you would receive something from Him instead.

Another fear I let give me pause, People's negative definition of blogs.
I am writing and publishing on here because 1) I felt God told me this to. 1.a) To share things that God has shown me, or told me. 1.b) To share with people what God is doing in my life, what's going on. As a way to catch up, but also so they may know how to pray. I started this blog when I was preparing to move to Skopje, Macedonia.
Things changed and I ended up moving to Wilson, NC. But I strongly felt God telling me to keep it and to keep writing in it. And it is a goal of mine to write on here more.
I'm not asking for you to be my critique or my judge. If you don't like what I say or how it comes out, you don't have to keep reading. I don't have interest in open debates, so please don't comment with that objective.
I fully intend on writing and sharing on here more often. Praying that God would use this blog in any way He sees fit.

Thank you for reading this far and Happy Weekend to You!!
-AC

"There and Back Again, Allison's Tale" A year later.

One Year, 12 months,52 weeks, or 365.2564 days. However you want to describe the length of time. Some times I have a hard time believing I've been here this long. yet at other times it seems like a lifetime and my time in Christiansburg, VA was just a dream. Life has become very routine, which is odd for someone who's life has been anything, but routine for a little over 4 yrs. But honestly it's exactly what I've needed. Consistency in the areas of a paycheck and a work schedule have been such a blessing. Most of my time is spent Taking care of twin three year old's. The cutest little girls you've ever seen. They put my girly-ness to shame, loving shoes, princesses and anything that sparkles. Mickey Mouse Club House is their all time favorite show and I have running in my head more times than I'd like to admit. It is way too much fun picking out their clothes in the morning and playing dress up with the princess dresses and tiaras. We will be beginning doing more preschool prep, and we've been working on potty training. Which has confirmed my thoughts that every child has their own response toward potty training. And all kids will do it when they want to and not before. :)
In the past year, I've lived in three different places. But this mid July we moved into a great Apartment complex. God really went above and beyond when he provided our new home and surrounding area.
My brother, Jake graduated from high school, received an academic scholarship and now goes to COLLEGE.. My brother is in COLLEGE! Big kid school.. It's crazy and weird. I miss him being around so much. Even tho he is still in town I don't see him often. As far as I've been told things are going well for him. I have no worries about his transition into college life and eventually into adulthood. Wednesday he turns 15, A subject I'm not even going to approach. haha. I am so proud of who he is today. He's doing great at his job and he's bought his own car.
Billy is doing well in school. Playing soccer with a local group. It's casual games, nothing official, but he loves it. Mom is beasting it out, working two jobs.
Everyday we're getting used to living together more and more. Living at home has brought about it's own challenges, but I thoroughly enjoy being near my family. Being able to be apart of their lives again has truly blessed me! Taking Billy to camp near the coast, watching Jake walk across the stage at awards day, and graduation. Just to name a few. I truly love being in my home church, surrounded by so many people that have been considered family for years. I am constantly reminded that so many people have my back. No mater the time or distance. I can't tell you how much that truly means to me.
I've been helping with the church's youth group for about 10months give or take. Gradually getting connected with the students. It's weird having this be the one place where most people have only known of me since I've been here. So I've both the new kids complex and the girl that everyone's known since she was 12. Which makes for an interesting combination. Hard at times, but I know God is in even the small things.
I can't tell you how many times I've been asked what's next. I'll tell you what I've told them. Every time I've tried to plan things out for my life, it's never worked out the way I've planned. So I just take it one thing at a time. I still feel that here is where I'm supposed to be, so here I am for now.
I am so thankful for the year behind me and ready for what is to come.
Thank you to those of you who have been such a support for me! It would have been a lot harder with out you all! Keep it coming.
Love always, Allison